


Rock N Roll Will Break Your Heart

by exploring_in_space



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Use, M/M, Make ups and break ups, Overdosing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25609447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exploring_in_space/pseuds/exploring_in_space
Summary: Robert, an aspiring journalist, lands an interview with England’s budding band, Armour. Aaron is the band’s guitarist and songwriter, and the attraction between them is immediate. A one night stand quickly becomes something more, and leads to a tumultuous relationship throughout the years.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 28
Kudos: 111





	Rock N Roll Will Break Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [some_mad_lunge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_mad_lunge/gifts).



> To very talented some_mad_lunge, I was nervous to write this for you because you're such a talented writer, but I do hope you enjoy it! <3

Robert hates his job with a burning passion. He dreams of reporting news that truly matters. When he first stepped foot at uni, bright-eyed and full of hope, he knew what kind of news he wanted to report, news worth risking your life for. 

His mother, Sarah, was one of the hardest hitting journalists of her time - following the story where it took her. That passion eventually led to her downfall when she got trapped in a crumbling building. But the story had to be told and she pushed past every person and barrier to tell it. Robert used to wonder why her passion for journalism meant more to her than her own life. But then he would remember the evenings when she would tuck him in and tell stories of her life as a news breaking journalist. Robert had always worshipped the ground she walked on and hearing her stories made him want nothing more than to follow her footsteps.

Robert’s career was first buoyed by both being the son of Sarah and his own merit. He started writing for his university’s newspaper and had a job offer for a local paper upon graduating. Things were progressing smoothly and predictably for Robert up until he got hired by White News. White News is one of the newest but leading news publications across the country. Robert got hired to do fact checking and minor researching with the promise of moving on to ground coverage. He was headquartered in London, moving on up in the journalism world, hoping he was making his mother proud.

But Robert, being the man he was, couldn’t help himself when he met Chrissie. He wined and dined her, slept with her, fell in love with her, proposed to her, and cheated on her by a year's end. Lawrence repaid that kindness by sticking Robert in the music section of the news - the section of news Robert had the least passion or knowledge about.

It’s why Robert’s at some divey nightclub in the west end watching England’s hottest new band, Armor. Not the most creative name, if Robert was honest, but they have gotten big in the past couple of months and have slated to be a household name soon. Robert did his due diligence in listening to their music and reading about the members - there’s four of them: a singer, Adam, guitarist, Aaron, bassist, Ellis, and drummer, Matty.

Adam commands the room with high energy, knows exactly how to work a crowd. The way he steps into the crowd and everyone clammors to hold onto him as he sings a song atop everyone is something Robert had never seen before. As impressive as Adam is with his energy, Robert’s eyes are on Aaron, who looks like he would rather be anywhere but on that stage.

Watching him is the most captivating thing he’s ever seen.

The crowd goes completely mad when they perform their last song. Armour is kind enough not to make them work hard for the encore. They’re walking back onto the stage shortly after all the screaming and perform three more songs. Matty tosses his drumsticks into the crowd when they play their final song and Robert has to smile at the way the crowd goes crazy. 

Everyone seems to filter out of the club pretty quickly after the end of the show. A couple of people putter around for a bit, and Robert jumps off his barstool to meet the band in the backroom.

Security recognize Robert’s badge and let him through with no fuss. He knocks at the door, and is striding into the back room before Ellis can register who it is knocking.

"Nice show, boys," Robert says when he comes into the 

"You Sugden?" Adam asks, eyeing Robert up and down. 

Robert lifts his press badge and dangles it up and down for a few seconds with a confident smirk, “Mind if I ask you a coupla questions?”

Robert is old-school and brings a recorder and flips it on as he interviews each member individually. He likes to break them up in his interviews because he feels he gets to suss out the dynamics of the bands that way. At the end of each interview, he asks each of them to give him a quick summary of the band in five words or less.

As he interviews each member, they flit about the room for a bit before leaving. Aaron is the last one, and Robert did that on purpose. He had been watching Aaron out the corner of his eye the entire time he’d been in the room. Aaron fidgeted a lot throughout the time, picked at his skin, got up and paced for a bit. It was like he couldn’t sit still while Robert spoke to the others.

When it’s finally Aaron’s turn, Robert goes and sits down next to Aaron, who had folded his legs underneath him on a battered couch. 

“And you? Want to give me a summary of the band in five words or less?” Robert asks, giving him his most winning smile. 

Up close, Robert notes the way bits of Aaron’s hair is curled, most likely from sweating when he was on stage. Something about that thought makes Robert swallow. Aaron is studying Robert’s face for a bit, and the intensity in his gaze makes everything else around them seem to disappear. At this moment, only he and Aaron matter. Eventually, Aaron breaks the spell by giving a half disinterested shrug.

“Nah, I’m sure your arrogant ass will think of something,” Aaron’s voice is soft and enticing. 

“Oh, so you’ve noticed my ass?” Robert can’t help but flirting, it’s hard not to when in the presence of such a fit bloke.

“Smooth. Teach you that in journalism school?”

“Only once I graduated,” Robert is quick to say back. Aaron just rolls his eyes, but in an indulgent way.

“What do you want from me that you didn’t get from everybody else?” Aaron asks.

“You’re the songwriter, right? Why don’t we talk about the composition of your songs?” Robert suggests and he can’t help but feel smug about the way Aaron’s eyebrows shoot up. The silver lining to Robert’s jobs is that growing up, Robert learned to play the piano. He understands classical music and music theory and tries to keep his articles related to the fundamentals of music theory and how bands incorporate it. It’s made him surprisingly popular for someone who hates their job.

They speak music theory for a bit, and Aaron gets really animated and excited as he breaks down some of his favorite songs. It’s more than Robert thought he would get out from the closed off guitarist. But it’s thrilling, and Robert knows he needs to spend more time with Aaron.

“What do you say to going out sometime?” Robert dares to ask, once the interview finds its natural end. It’s just the two of them left in the room and he can’t resist asking Aaron out. He grins and waves his recorder in Aaron’s face, “I’ll even leave my recorder at home.”

“Ask out all the band members you interview, do you?” Aaron asks, chewing on his lip trying to hide the smile that’s fighting onto his face.

“Only the grumpy fit ones.”

Aaron doesn’t so much as roll his eyes as he looks past Robert’s shoulder for a moment before looking at Robert, “You’ve got cheek.”

“My finest quality,” Robert declares confidently. He takes a step closer into Aaron’s space and can smell the faint smell of sweat and clean laundry. “So?”

Aaron shakes his head, but finally allows the fighting smile to dance on his face, “Sure, let’s go.”

“What, right now?”

“Think you’ll fall asleep, old man?” Aaron’s quips are just as quick as Robert’s.

Robert takes a moment to deliberately check Aaron out. Running his eyes up and down, before he’s smirking, “As if.”

There’s not much open when they finally leave the night club. There’s a chip stand where a lot of people who had been out drinking are lining up in front of. It’s good enough for the pair of them to queue as well and get some of their own. Aaron gets some with curry sauce but Robert is boring and simply gets ketchup with his.

They walk down the streets, talking about each other and eating their chips. Robert tells Aaron about how he got into this field despite not  _ loving _ it. Aaron tells Robert how he wrote his first song when he was fifteen but it wasn’t until he met Adam that he got to compose more songs that were meaningful. But he tells Robert of his fears that they’re riding a fad wave and people will forget them soon enough.

“Sometimes, it feels a little like everything we’ve done has been by accident. And one day, everyone is going to know it. That we’re not good,” Aaron confesses softly, munching on one of his chips.

Imposter syndrome. Robert is familiar with it more than he cares to admit, especially given who his mother was. He doesn’t want to say it, in case he’s off the mark or offends Aaron.

“Well for what it’s worth,  _ I _ think you’re good. And I’ve been to hundreds of concerts to interview bands,” Robert tries to encourage with a soft smile. It seems to work - Aaron smiles back and steps closer to Robert.

“You know how to make a fella feel special,” Aaron says, swaying in place. Robert can’t help but mimic his movement. “You don’t strike me as a person who loves good music, especially rock ‘n roll music.”

“Oh yeah? And what do I strike you as?” Robert prompts.

“Like someone who would get his heart broken from rock ‘n roll,” Aaron says and there’s something piercing and intimate that Robert didn’t think he could feel, especially by someone who barely knows him. But Aaron doesn’t give Robert a chance to say anything back, already moving onto another topic.

“I think I have some beer at my place, if ya fancy something to chase those chips,” Aaron quirks a quick smile, and that soul searing moment evaporates when Robert understands what Aaron is implying.

“Yeah? Might have to take you up on that,” Robert says, but neither one of them are any delusions that they’re going to go back to Aaron’s for beers. Aaron proves that when he pulls Robert into a heated kiss. They kiss in the middle of the sidewalk, oblivious to anything around them. 

Aaron is pulling Robert by the hand, and tugging him towards his flat, which is ‘just a few blocks away’. They probably would’ve gotten there quicker, but they keep stopping to kiss or grope each other like they’re some kind of teenagers.

By the time they get to Aaron’s flat, Robert is delirious with want. Yet he still takes a moment to take in Aaron’s flat. It’s a loft - there’s a spiral staircase that leads up to the bedroom. The loft is painted in cool dark colors and it feels so impersonal to the person Robert has spent a few hours with.

“Interesting choice of decorations,” Robert remarks calmly despite how wired up he feels.

“Did you come here to critique my decor, or did you come here to fuck?” Aaron asks with a huff. 

“Can’t a bloke do both?”

“You’re lucky you’re fit, I would’ve chucked you out a long time ago,” Aaron says with an indulgent smile. Robert has a response on the tip of his tongue, but Aaron doesn’t let him say it because he gives Robert a toe curling kiss. 

They’re shucking clothes as they kiss and try to get up to Aaron’s bedroom. The bedroom isn’t enclosed - the staircase leads them straight into the bedroom loft. Robert lands on his back and Aaron follows, giving frantic kisses that miss Robert’s lips most of the time, but neither seem to care.

Afterward, Aaron is rolling off of Robert and they lay next to each other and they just silently try to catch their breaths. Robert is thinking about how they should probably clean up, but he’s also thinking he needs at least one more performance. Just as Robert is fantasizing about what they can get up to next, Aaron rolls to face Robert and grabs his arm.

“Those things I told you earlier, that’s off the record,” Aaron says rather urgently.

“Of course it is,” Robert says back, slightly offended. He lightens the mood by leaning in and kissing Aaron deeply, “I’ll even leave out the part of what a good shag you are.”

“Fuck off,” Aaron laughs, curling into Robert.

“Give me a few minutes,” Robert murmurs, flipping Aaron on his back and this time climbing atop him.

*

Robert wakes with a slight start in the middle of the night. Aaron’s not in bed next to him when he wakes, making Robert panic for a bit. He wonders if this was Aaron’s way of kicking him out. There’s noise coming from downstairs, piquing Robert’s curiosity.

He goes down the spiral stairs and finds that it’s Aaron who is making the noise. He’s sitting on his couch, holding an acoustic guitar. He’s still shirtless from earlier, but he threw on some pants. As he strums the guitar strings, his eyes are closed and he rocks his head backward and forward, trying to find the right note.

He feels like he’s intruding on something intimate, which is absurd given what they were up to only a few hours earlier. But Robert stands back, just watching as Aaron has his eyes closed, trying to find the right chord on the guitar. He hums a couple of times and then bends over to write something down.

Robert must have made a noise, or Aaron might have just felt him standing at the foot of the stairs. But he opens his eyes, and when he spies Robert, he smiles and beckons Robert to come.

“Come here,” Aaron says softly with a smile. The smile feels tacky and it doesn’t reach his eyes, but Robert comes over without a word.

“What are you doing?” Robert asks when he reaches Aaron. Aaron’s got half scrawled music notes on a notepad, some crossed out, others are circled. There’s a large stain of liquid on the bottom corner, making some of the other written notes bleed together. 

“Mapping the stars,” Aaron mumbles, and this should have been an indication then that there was something amiss with Aaron. Instead, Robert brings a hand up and trails a finger down Aaron’s spine. Aaron leans into Robert’s touch and continues to strum out chords and notes that only make sense in Aaron’s head.

“Come on, let’s go back to bed, spaceboy,” Robert coaxes gently, curling his fingers around Aaron’s left wrist - the arm that holds the neck of the guitar. Eventually, Aaron relents and they go back up the stairs, kissing and laughing against each other. It’s the most meaningful one night stand Robert’s ever had and he’s not sure what to make of it all.

The next morning, Robert wakes to a cup of coffee streaming in front of his face, Aaron’s eyes are bright and alert despite Robert feeling like death.

“What if I prefer a brew like a proper Englishman?” Robert asks, taking the coffee and inhaling it. It’s not the best roast he’s smelled before, but beggars can’t be choosers, he’s gasping for caffeine. 

“You’re not a proper anything,” Aaron teases, settling himself back into bed next to Robert. They cuddle against each other as Robert takes sips of the coffee. He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Aaron to kick him out. But strangely, it never happens. 

After Robert finishes his cup, they trade coffee-laced kisses as they tumble and fumble against each other. The morning is spent as hedonistically as possible, and Aaron is the most  _ gracious _ host, as he wraps his mouth around Robert and he’s writhing and shouting Aaron’s name. It’s the only name he ever wants to say. 

They are both slow to end this morning, but eventually Robert’s stomach starts to growl quite loudly, causing Aaron to laugh into Robert’s stomach, “Let’s get some food in you.”

Aaron is pathetic at cooking, Robert learns. His idea of ‘food’ is just some toast and another cup of coffee. Robert’s stomach is growling too much to be picky on the menu so he helps himself to the toast and slathers the jam that Aaron put out. Aaron doesn’t really eat - he picks at the toast and takes a few bites, but his hunger is nothing compared to Robert’s. 

Robert reluctantly starts to get ready after finishing his toast. He drags his heels getting the rest of his clothes on and even when he walks to Aaron’s front door. Aaron watches on with an amused smile the entire time. Robert realizes he’s being mad, if he wants to see Aaron again, then dammit, he’s going to see him again.

“When can I see you again?” Robert asks, turning around to face Aaron instead of leaving. 

“Who says I want to see ya again?” Aaron asks with a teasing smile, but before Robert can be too disappointed, Aaron pulls him into a kiss. “You know where I live.”

Robert smiles and can’t help but steal another kiss. Which leads to another and another, until Aaron is dragging Robert back upstairs.

Eventually, Robert leaves with Aaron’s phone number, a top notch orgasm, and a spring in his step. He gets home and with a flash of creativity he’s not felt in months, Robert writes the article about the band. 

*

Robert learns about Aaron’s drug use by accident. They had been texting each other constantly, flirting, talking about what they were up to, the article which everyone in the band loved. Finally, after a week of not seeing each other, they agree to meet up at Aaron’s flat. Robert had been banging on about his cooking abilities and Aaron had finally had enough and challenged him to cook him something that would impress him.

The front door is ajar when Robert gets to the flat. He thinks it’s probably just Aaron being courteous, since Robert arrives carrying brown paper groceries bags for tonight’s dinner. Robert doesn’t think when he waltzes into the flat and sees Aaron knocking back a pill.

“Headache?” Robert asks stupidly, setting his bags down. But the way Aaron scrambles to put the container away clues him in that something a little more sinister is at play. “Aaron?”

“It’s nothing. Just- ah...some, you know...speed,” Aaron says after opening and closing his mouth a few times. The blase way he speaks makes Robert feel like he’s in some delusion, where talking about drugs is just so cavalier. 

“Amphetamine?” Robert is floored by Aaron. He feels stupid and naive.

“Don’t be so surprised. It’s rock ‘n roll, innit?” Aaron’s flippancy makes something turn unpleasantly in his stomach. 

Robert thinks about what Aaron had told him the first night they met, about how rock and roll would break his heart.

“Hang on, have you been on these the whole time I’ve known ya?” Robert demands. When Aaron gives a brief shrug, the pieces start slotting together. Robert doesn’t know too much about amphetamine, but some of the strange behavior Robert hadn’t thought much of start to make sense. The fact Aaron was up in the middle of the night and energetic in the morning, why he didn’t eat much breakfast.

“Is that going to be a problem?” Aaron bluntly asks, crossing his arms, almost defensively.

Robert tells himself it probably should be a problem. But...despite the fact drugs may have contributed to their time together, Robert really  _ likes _ Aaron. He doesn’t want to cut this off and spend time wondering what could have been. Plus, it’s not like Robert doesn’t have his own self-destructive behavior.

“No, not a problem. Can I ask you questions about it, though?” Robert, ever the journalist, can’t help but ask. Aaron seems to deflate, as if he had been expecting Robert to cut his losses and leave. He hangs his head and breath in and out for a moment before looking up at Robert and giving a minute nod. 

Robert decides to play it cool by starting to cook their dinner as he asks his questions. That way it feels less like an interrogation and more like two people still trying to get to know each other.

“How long have you been on them?” Robert asks as he chops some bell peppers.

“Since I ran away from home.” The statement surprises Robert, but instead of opening that can of worms, he just nods and starts to season the cut vegetables.

“Why do you do it?”

“It helps clears me brain. Sometimes, all this  _ shit _ clogs it up and I just...need to focus. Write music and think of nothing else.”

It’s the imposter syndrome rearing its head again. Insecurities and doubt are no stranger to Robert and he can feel them radiating out of Aaron. It’s most likely the stuff Aaron wants to clear.

“Also, it doesn’t hurt when I’m up on stage performing,” Aaron adds, breaking Robert’s thoughts.

“Does anyone else in the band do it?”

“No, but they know I do,” Aaron says, gulping slighting. As if  _ this _ was the admission that would break Robert and end this conversation. It doesn’t. But it does annoy Robert. He’s come to be protective of Aaron and knowing his bandmates don’t do anything to stop Aaron enrages Robert.

“I don’t do it often. I’m-I’m  _ not _ an addict,” Aaron declares, and it’s filled with a defensive tone. 

“Okay,” Robert just shrugs and tosses the bell peppers into an oiled pan to sear them.

“Okay?” Aaron repeats, his voicing growing louder over the sizzling vegetables.

“I’m not your keeper, Aaron. Your answers work for me. I want to continue this, if you want,” Robert tries to act blase, not like his heart is hammering in his chest.

“Yeah, I do,” Aaron answers softly and they exchange tentative smiles. It doesn’t take Robert much longer to finish up their dinner and they sit at Aaron’s table laughing and swapping stories about inane things that happened during the week they hadn’t seen each other. As if they hadn’t been speaking to each other constantly throughout the week.

Robert thinks the discussion of Aaron’s drug usage is over for the evening. That is, until later in the evening, Aaron looks at Robert with such urgency. 

“People don’t stay with me, when they find out,” Aaron tells Robert after they finish putting the dishes away and they’re settled on Aaron’s couch. Aaron has his head in Robert’s lap when he makes his confession.

“Well don’t worry,” Robert threads his fingers in Aaron’s hair, “You’re going to be stuck with me for awhile.”

Maybe it's too soon to say something like that when they've only known each other a week. Maybe it's dumb to say something like that when Aaron has a minor drug problem. But the way Aaron just smiles and closes his eyes after Robert's declaration, makes Robert hope that maybe Aaron feels the same as him. 

Robert doesn’t want to think such stupid thoughts, but he thinks he could probably fall in love with Aaron.

*

Okay.

So Robert is an optimist. At least when it comes to his and Aaron’s budding relationship. He tells himself that the occasional drug use isn’t going to ruin their relationship. Because Aaron is right: he doesn’t use very often. He had been coming down from a leg of concerts and needed to withdraw in a way that wouldn’t hurt him. Since then, Aaron doesn’t use it very often and they start to spend more and more time together. It starts to feel, for the first time ever, that Robert was  _ meant _ to be in a relationship. He’s much too much of a romantic and poet, and can’t help but start to refer to their relationship as the raining romantic spring. Aaron laughs in his face when Robert tells him of the nickname, calling him a soft lad but the smile on his face is a dead giveaway.

Mornings when Aaron is clean, Robert puts his piano talents to use as he plays piano chords on Aaron’s back and Aaron tries to guess the chord by humming it. Then they’ll talk late into the morning until it’s time to eat. Aaron is like a vacuum whenever he’s clean, the way he cleans food up. And Robert won’t lie, he prefers this version of Aaron than when he tosses back a few pills.

The times when there’s substance pumping in Aaron’s blood, he’s still soft and loving to Robert but there’s an urgency to everything. Quick fucks, quick kisses, quick everything. When Aaron’s high, Robert just wants to shake Aaron and tell him he doesn’t need that garbage. He’s talented enough without it.

Aaron rarely does indulge in the drugs. Tells Robert he only uses it when he’s inspired to write music and he wants to get it all out of his head before it escapes him. Robert is helpless to do anything about it, but it feels like enabling Aaron.

Unfortunately, as the spring starts to blossom into summer, it starts to feel less like an occasional drug use and more of a growing problem. Their soft mornings of playing the chord guessing game starts to happen less and less. Robert watches and feels more helpless than ever before, it makes his fingers itch for a pen so he can try to get his thoughts out of his head and onto paper.

He learns from Adam, Matty and Ellis that they’ve tried many times to get Aaron to stop, but no one has ever been able to convince Aaron to get off the pills. 

Rainy romantic spring only lasts a few weeks more before Robert can’t stand idly anymore.

“You don’t need this junk!” Robert shouts, throwing the capsules at the wall. Aaron is high and he quickly jumps up to start picking up the mess. It’s more because he always needs to occupy his hands when he’s high than him being an addict, but Robert can’t help but twist the knife by taunting Aaron, “Look at ya! You’re pathetic, can’t afford to lose a single pill. It’s pathetic!”

“I’m not addicted!” Aaron shouts back. “If you can’t handle my creativity, then maybe you need to clear out. I’m not going to compromise who I am for a good fuck.”

The words feel like a slap to the face. They’ve never put words to their relationship but Robert has always fellt it more than the pair of them fucking. He thought Aaron felt the same.

“Look,” Aaron pinches the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut, “We’re going back on tour next month. Maybe we should give ourselves a break and revisit us when I get back.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Aaron. If you want to end this, just say it. I’m not going to be some pathetic groupie holding out on hope you’ll give me attention,” Robert grabs his keys and storms out of Aaron’s flat.

He buys himself cheap bourbon that night, ignores the multiple texts from Aaron and passes out listening to Armour’s music.

*

Rainy spring dries out and the next period of Robert’s life is a hot and lonely summer. He ends up being a groupie from afar, despite what he had told Aaron. He reads about every concert they perform, and the reviews from other journalists. He tells himself it’s just research in case he has to write a follow-up article. 

His article about Armour is his most popular by far. The personable aspect he added was different than his other ones and it even gets Vic calling him and shouting at him.

“You met Armour?” She shrieks down the phone, making Robert pull his phone away from his ear. “And you didn’t tell me!”

“I’ve met a lot of bands,” Robert tries to play it off like it doesn’t matter. Even though his heart is racing and he misses Aaron more than he’ll ever admit.

“I don’t care about  _ other _ bands. I want to know more about Armour! Everyone in the band is so fit. What are they like?” Vic’s voice sounds dreamy.

“I think they’re a bunch of prats. You’re best not meeting any of them,” Robert says and he knows he’s being unfair. It’s not like they sit idly by while watching Aaron do drugs. But he can’t help but feel bitter that they get to enjoy their fame and money while Aaron destroys himself. 

His conversation with Vic doesn’t last much longer, her disappointment palpable after Robert’s bitter comment.

Robert watches an interview Armour has with some local news station later in the week - he only has access to the station because he’s doing research, okay? - and Robert stews in his resentment as he sees Aaron’s pupils are dilated and he’s shaking his leg up and down. Someone could chalk it up to nerves, but Robert  _ knows _ Aaron.

He hates that despite their break up, it’s not enough to convince Aaron to stop. Robert shuts the tv off before he does something stupid like call him.

*

Summer continues to be a hot and lonely season and fall comes blowing in sooner than Robert would’ve liked. Armour’s summer tour comes to an end, and Robert turns his phone off for a week, trying not to be tempted. 

He dives head first in his articles, writing them in a fervor he had never felt like doing before. He hasn’t had any interview gigs lately, but he writes reviews on albums and peppers in his commentary of music theory in it. These articles start to become more and more popular, and even Lawrence remarks on Robert’s newfound drive and success.

“Good work, Sugden,” Lawrence frowns as he says it, as if he was not expecting himself to compliment Robert of all people. Robert wants nothing more than to gloat in Lawrence’s face but decides to take the higher road and just nod.

Robert eventually breaks and turns his phone on one evening, but he places it face down and goes to sleep so he doesn’t look at any of the notifications that he might have missed whilst it was turned off.

Of course, it’s tonight of all nights that his phone wakes him in the middle of the night. He squints his eyes and sees that it’s Aaron who’s calling at ungodly hours. 

“Robert,” Aaron’s voice is slurred and faraway. It wakes Robert up instantly.

“Where are you?” Robert starts pulling on a shirt and panicking, thinking there’s probably something so very wrong.

“Outside your flat, let me in,” Aaron gruffly says and hangs up. The initial panic that lined Robert’s blood turns to annoyance as he stalks out his room and flings the front door open.

Aaron...is nothing short of a  _ mess _ . His eyes are lit up and glazed over, and there’s bags under his eyes. 

“Fuck, Aaron. When was the last time you slept?” Robert exclaims, pulling Aaron through his door.

“Dunno, a week ago?” Aaron guesses. His voice sounds distant and it worries Robert. He leaves Aaron to get some water and prays that it’s enough to get that  _ shit _ out of his system. 

Aaron had moved to one of Robert’s windows when he gets back.

“I still want to map the stars,” Aaron gazes out the window, squinting at the light polluted London sky. As if he even has a chance of seeing stars. 

Robert touches his back softly, and Aaron turns around to bury his head into Robert's shoulder. 

“Oh yeah? And why is that?” Robert decides to humor Aaron, despite it all. He hands the glass of water to Aaron and Aaron takes a couple of sips of it. It’s a small victory.

“So I can give them to you,” Aaron mumbles into the cup. Robert pauses, heart clenching in the most painful way. 

“I only want them when you’re clean,” Robert tells Aaron firmly.

“I’ve just...missed you so much. I won’t...I won’t choose the drugs over you again,” Aaron promises and maybe he’s daft, but Robert actually believes him.

*

It lasts for about two weeks, Aaron being a perfect charming  _ boyfriend _ (they defined their relationship the morning after Aaron’s unannounced visit). But of course, despite Aaron’s reassurance, the fact of the matter is, he’s addicted to the amphetamine, and he slowly crawls back to it.

The self-destruction relationship becomes a toxic pattern. They fight. They break up. Aaron promises he won’t put the drugs above Robert. They make up. Aaron starts back into his addiction.

The issue of their break ups is always Aaron’s consumption of drugs. He’s started to dabble a little in coke and Robert wants to shake Aaron until he’s silly. Aaron never seems to understand what the problem is. Complains that it’s his life and he can do whatever the fuck he wants.

Robert knows he should cut his losses and just leave Aaron for good. Even Vic, when she first found out they were dating was ecstatic, has started to resent the holding pattern Aaron has put Robert in with his refusal to quit. 

He starts to forget what Aaron is like without poison in his blood. He doesn’t remember those soft mornings when they played music together. Everything starts to feel like ash in Robert’s mouth, but he just can’t  _ stop _ . He loves Aaron.

Two years into this madness of breaking up and going straight back into each other’s arms, they have the ugliest fight. It’s the anniversary of Sarah’s passing and Aaron doesn’t show up to her grave despite telling Robert he’d be there. When Robert finds him, he’s in his flat, half-passed out and watching Top Gear.

Robert starts shouting and Aaron shouts back and it’s all downhill from there. There is not one constructive thing about their fight - they yell for the sake of yelling and Robert storms out of Aaron’s flat, believing he will never see Aaron again.

And he doesn’t.

For two weeks, Aaron doesn’t ring him and Robert feels relieved that maybe he’s finally out of this cycle. But the part of him that loves Aaron also worries that something bad may have happened to Aaron.

Robert gets his answer on a chilly evening, when some unknown number is calling him.

“Robert Sugden?” An unfamiliar voice asks as soon as Robert answers.

“This is he.”

“We have you down as Aaron Dingle’s emergency contact. We’ve brought him in for a suspected cocaine overdose,” The man’s voice continues, but it’s just white noise. The thing Robert feared the most has come to fruition and he’s glued to his seat. The man tells Robert which hospital Aaron’s at, but he can’t find the motivation to get up and  _ go _ .

It’s Robert’s fault. He let Aaron’s addiction get worse and worse and did nothing to even try to help. They both have been so selfish, but Robert is the worst. Aaron has a problem and Robert just made it about himself without even trying to understand Aaron’s addiction.

He gets up and he’s filled with so much anger at himself and he throws an old mug to the wall, ceramic shattering everywhere as he shouts. He falls to the ground and he can’t help but start crying. Cries for Aaron, whose stomach is probably getting pumped at this moment. Cries for himself, all the heartbreak he’s felt for almost three years that they’ve known each other. He cries for a good while before he realizes how foolish he’s being. He has to get to the hospital  _ now. _

Robert hadn’t realized how much time he wasted feeling numb, but it’s well into three am and there’s no traffic to stop him from getting there in record time.

The nurse’s station directs him to Aaron’s room, and he’s not surprised to see security standing outside the door. Most likely to stave the blood sucking paparazzi. They nod at each other but Robert can feel some sort of judgement from the security guard when he goes into Aaron’s room.

There’s beeping noise from the EKG, but it’s steady and regular. Aaron is actually awake when Robert comes in. When he notices Robert, he sits up straighter in the bed.

“I’m so happy you’re alive,” Robert breathes out when he reaches the edge of the bed.

Aaron briefly smiles before frowning, “Dunno know why I’m even here. It wasn’t any more than I had before.”

The dismissive way he says makes Robert’s blood boil, “You could have died tonight and you don’t know why you’re  _ here _ ? You’re going to kill yourself one of these days. Is that what you want?” Robert exclaims. “Don’t you care about your life? Your bandmates?...Us?” Robert dares to curl his hand around Aaron’s hand.

“No one is asking you to stick around. This is your chance to run a mile,” Aaron whispers and it breaks Robert’s heart all over again.

“What makes you think I’d want to?”

Aaron looks away, pulling his arm out of Robert’s loose grip. “Where were ya before you got here?”

The question hangs in the air uncomfortably, almost as if Aaron knew of Robert’s reluctance to come here. Robert moves between his feet a bit, and tries to figure out what Aaron is getting out, “Does it matter? I’m here  _ now _ .”

Aaron still doesn’t look at Robert, his face flushing as he adamantly stares at the blank wall. Suddenly, Robert realizes what Aaron was trying to imply, “Aaron...I wasn’t with anyone. I was working.”

“At four am?” Aaron scoffs.

“Isn’t that how you and I met?” Robert tries to remind himself the paranoia is just a side effect to Aaron’s detox, but he still can’t help but feel hurt that Aaron doesn’t trust him. He’s been nothing but loyal to Aaron these three years.

Aaron doesn’t say anything, just shifts in the bed miserably and they sit in tense silence afterwards. Robert thinks of their rainy romantic spring, when silences were comfortable and there was trust between them. 

“I miss you, Aaron,” Robert ventures to say. He feels like he might be skating on thin ice, but decides to say, “I guess you were right. Rock and roll broke my heart.”

Aaron closes his eyes and of course tears fall out when he does that. “I was going to map the stars for you.”

Robert’s heart aches in a way he had never felt before. It feels as if his heart is literally breaking right now. Aaron has his hands crossed over his stomach and Robert aches to touch him again. He feels like there’s a million miles between them right now and it hurts Robert. It hurts that Aaron thinks this is the end.

“Why can’t you still?” Robert whispers, and it feels like he’s at his most vulnerable asking this. “Why can’t you get better and map them?”

“I never wanted this...to hurt ya,” Aaron says brokenly. “I’m sorry I ruined your mum’s anniversary.”

“You didn’t,” Robert is quick to reassure, placing his hand atop Aaron’s, despite their fight. “I just want you to get better.”

“I want to get better, too,” Aaron whispers, and it’s the first time he’s ever voiced it. They’re both crying and smiling, perhaps the most joy they’ve felt around each other in months. Somehow, maybe because Aaron is quasi-famous, no one comes to kick Robert out of the room. 

They spend the night cuddling and crying against each other, Robert keeping vigil by Aaron’s bed as he falls asleep. And in the morning, a nurse comes to take Aaron. Robert probably smells rank and his morning breath even worse, but he doesn’t care as he pulls Aaron into a tight hug and they sway against each other for a while. 

Eventually the nurse clears her throat and she begins to usher Aaron out of the room. 

To healing, finally.

*

A year and a half after Aaron goes into rehab, Robert publishes a Pulitzer winning article about the reality of family members who have someone who suffers from a drug addiction. Robert uses his own personal experiences but never names Aaron by name, even though most of the media know who he’s talking about, despite all the precautions they tried, the media of course learns of Aaron’s stint at rehab. But Robert doesn’t just write about his own experiences, he also also interviews other people who have been in the same position as him.

He’d like to think Sarah is absolutely proud of him for finally carving his name in the literary world.

Aaron and Armour release their most highly anticipated album ever, Milky Way. The album elevates the band into near stardom as everyone goes crazy for the songs and especially the lyrics. They’re nominated for a BRIT music award and Aaron invites Robert. 

They don’t win, but Robert holds Aaron’s hand the entire time and his heart sings more than he could have ever imagined. Aaron has been clean for a year, after six months in rehab, and he’s not looked back once. If possible, their love for each other grows stronger and Robert starts looking into buying engagement rings.

Robert never would have thought in a million years that going into an interview he would meet the love of his life. There had been bumps along the way, but watching Aaron grow out of the shackles of his drug abuse was almost worth it.

There’s glitz and performers and everyone is looking at the stage, but Robert just watches Aaron. So grateful that he’s  _ alive _ and they’re here. He could watch Aaron for the rest of his life.

“What?” Aaron whispers as some artist is thanking people.

“Nothing. I just love you,” Robert says, squeezing Aaron’s hand. 

Aaron rolls his eyes but actually leans his head on Robert’s shoulder, “I love you too.”

“Good, now shut up. Taylor Swift is about to perform,” Robert teases and sneaks a quick kiss to Aaron’s temple.

The rings he had finally decided to buy sit comfortably in Robert’s pocket. He’ll ask Aaron tonight, after they go home and it’s just the two of them. Because when it’s just the pair of them, they’re unstoppable. 


End file.
